Why is is that I am so willing to put the needs of others beyond my own?
Before even thinking about a realistic situation, I first cast my mind to a scenario that is completely outlandish. I am in a situation where for me to live, someone else has to die. And I have to choose. Why is it that I find it so hard, even theoretically, to choose myself?
The first objection that comes to my mind is that that other person has more purpose to be alive than me. They have a wife and kids, and they're a doctor, so they bring all sorts of good into the world. But then I think a little harder and those thing have no bearing at all on that persons life being inherently more valuable than my own. This largely seems like a problem with self worth. It's me coming to terms with the fact that I have, and deserve, a place in this world. My existence and by extension my happiness is no more or less important than anyone else's. So why this undying need to place the needs of other above my own?
Perhaps its selfish. I get more enjoyment out of choosing the hard path so that others can enjoy something more. Nah.
I am specifically trying to find the root cause as to why, despite constantly fantasizing about breaking up with my partner, do I continue to find myself unable to do so. I will outline each of the objections that come into my mind organically and try to reason about them so that I might resolve this whole shemozzle once and for all.
Why is their happiness inherently more important than your own? I am continually telling myself I should be happy with my situation and that any reasonable person would be; but the issue remains that I don't feel happy for whatever reason. This grows into "perhaps my attitude/personality/conduct is somehow influencing the situation in such a way that if I were to work harder / love more / do something different, that I might then be able to enjoy the situation". By extension this line of thinking also leads to the fact that if I leave, I'd be destroying potentially the perfect relationship for me, simply because I refuse to put in the work to adequately fix my issues and become the partner that is deserving of happiness. By leaving, I am choosing the easy way out, and will continue to end up in relationships that don't make me happy because the common thread between them is something I am doing wrong.
If that has a chance of being true, then we also have to consider the alternative. That I am fine, this situation will not improve, and that my continued attempts at fixing it are in vain because it is destined to not work. This is the truth I want to be real. I can't shake the feeling that I am personally responsible for the situation I am in, however. I feel like it must be my bad temper and my outlandish expectations which are tarnishing an otherwise potentially great relationship (coupled with my unwillingness to try to make it work). Perhaps both can be true at the same time?
Perhaps there are parts of our relationship that are flawed, but there aren't enough reasons for me to want to fight for the relationship, but I feel so guilty that I am unable to accept that and move on with potentially finding something better. See even the thought of saying I want to date someone better makes me feel guilty. It's not someone better generally, it's someone better for me. Perhaps that's not possible and I am shit, but am I capable of improving in the circumstances I am in at the moment?
Why don't you go upstairs right now and end things?
Ahh, I think we're getting somewhere. This reminds me of what happened the other day. When my friend and I were walking along, we bumped into a mutual friend of ours whom was our shared roommate in the past; we all lived together. Things weren't exactly civil between us towards the and so when we crossed paths on the walk, he barely even waved, he didn't stop to talk, he didn't smile; he was mad/upset. And there, the rumination started for me "he hates me" "oh no I hope he's okay and he doesn't think I'm a jerk.".
Why does the thought of people not liking me irk me so much?
I have the very same problem with that friend whom I was on the walk with. I largely do no enjoy hanging out with or talking to this person. However I am totally unable to refuse to spend time with them because I don't want them to feel bad about themselves or have them think that I don't like them. I would love to be able to say "we had some great times together, but I feel like we're growing apart as people and I don't really want to spend time with you anymore." Perhaps this is something that's just better left unsaid? This has been how the rest of my relationships have fallen apart. But that was through blind ignorance on my part and never intentional. Perhaps this is because of how I think I would take it if someone said something like that to me?
I'm trying to put myself in that situation. I'm having trouble thinking of a friend whose company I genuinely enjoy... I guess that's B. B was always a great friend of mine and we used to hang out a lot. Following some turbulence in our relationship and us both getting new romantic partners we just slowly stopped interacting. I guess B was usually the one to reach out and I was never one to do so, so largely the blame lies one me. This does make me sad, but at the same time I can't be sure if she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore, or if she just decided that because of my unwillingness to reach out, that I was the one who no longer was putting in the work to maintain the friendship. How do I go about determining that? Do I just start reaching out more, or do I just straight up go and ask her "hey I know I've been kinda a shit flaky friend in the past, is that the reason we don't chat anymore or do you just not want me in your life anymore?". Honestly I'd be a little upset if she didn't want me in her life, but at least I would know. Otherwise I can just start reaching out more and if she continues to want to catch-up than I guess she doesn't hate me completely? But then there would always be that voice of doubt in your head. Furthermore I wouldn't want to be spending time with someone who secretly was only doing so out of pity.
I guess that answers one of my questions...
I think partially it's also my overestimating how much better my life will be alone. My mind rushes with the thought of countless hot and heavy conquests with beautiful people, meeting and having fun. Me, finally having time to do everything I ever wanted, fulfilling my dreams and becoming the person I always knew I could be. But that's unlikely. Life will probably get worse for a time and it will probably be harder. Much like moving away won't solve my problems, breaking up with someone won't solve them either. I'm not saying it won't help, but potentially my life could be more actively improved now, instead of waiting until I'm single to achieve, or at least start moving towards the things I want now.
Their constant need to seek my validation and their absolute refusal to stand up to me or anything I have to say. It's like dating and speaking to a mirror image of myself most of the time. I can do no wrong. I want a partner who continually challenges me and what I hold to be true, and I would hope they would want the same from me. In a respectful and loving way two people can grow twice as fast as one person on their own.
The sex is horrifically boring. Furthermore as an extension on the first point, it seems like they're always just there doing things to please me. I understand partly that is the point but at the same time they completely take no effort to learn what I like and do that? It's so bizarre, it's like they're in love with a hologram of me that isn't me? Or like in love with the idea of me?
The constant need for validation, is insufferable. "Do I look good in this?" with literally everything they wear. If I think something look exceptionally good, I will compliment you. Not like how they compliment me. Everything I wear gets a compliment. Everything I do gets a compliment. Every idea I come up with gets a pat on the head. Why can't they tell me once in a while that they don't like the way I look? Or that my idea is shit? Once it gets to the point where I try to back up my reasoning for something they fall apart at the seams and back down almost instantly.
I want someone who will get mad at me and stay mad at me when I'm in the wrong. Someone who demands an apology from me when I'm wrong and someone who is willing to leave me when I'm not fulfilling out mutual expectations from a partner.
I guess to be fair I am not holding myself to this standard currently am I? I am not happy, but won't do anything about it for reasons that still remain a mystery to me.
It's like they don't know me, and are holding me hostage with their expectations of me.