It's been a while but I'm back.
Let's get this out of the way. I finally ended things with my partner. We're still living together which is tricky but overall things are going a lot better for me now.
Onto the topic at hand; Being happy for others.
I'd like to posit a theory that we only want things to happen to people that we think they deserve.
This thought came across my brain as I was looking over a project a friend of mine had released to the public. I found myself gleefully scrolling through the bad reviews and comments when I was struct with overwhelming guilt.
"This person is my friend, and even if they weren't I shouldn't be enjoying seeing others be critical of this hard work"
This is one of my core values that is being violated in a sense. Speaking ill of someone who isn't present to defend themselves.
Then I think back to the last time I hung out with said friend and how awful they made me feel and I how I said nothing about it. Hmmm, potential that these two things are interlinked? I think yes.
I've been discovering recently that instead of dealing with bad feelings when they are happening, I have a defence mechanism where instead I gift wrap that small piece of rage, label it, and add it to the "pile of awful" that sits somewhere deep in my soul. Over time I find my resentment build and build towards this person until I legitimately hate them. I find all there worst traits and convince myself I don't want anything to do with a person this horrible.
I suppose this is likely a mechanism I developed in childhood to cope with having an overbearing parental figure who would blow up at me if I expressed any sort of bad emotion (directed at them). I was never able to direct anger at somebody, so instead I learned to bottle it up and cut off anybody who treats me any kind of way I don't like.
Overall this strategy has left me quite lonely, as anybody you get close to or spend a lot of time with is bound to grind your gears somehow at some time or another.
I need to learn to feel when something is happening I'm not comfortable with and have the strength to bring it forward immediately, and the compassion to do so thoughtfully and in the pursuit of a better and more long lasting friendship/relationship.