I don't see a way out.
I have been trapped in this life for as long as I can remember and I don't want it to go on like this anymore.
I am constantly bouncing between fleeting unhealthy releases to bring me enough joy to get through each and everyday.
I look forward to nothing. There is nothing I enjoy doing and nobody I want to see. I can't even imagine doing something that will bring me joy. The concept it foreign to me. I know what it used to feel like to have joy, but the actual experience escapes me now.
I know that this feeling itself will pass. I will wake up tomorrow and feel OK enough to continue through another day just as I have with this one.
For what purpose I do not know. I bring no benefit to anyone, including myself.
All I want is to want and to be wanted. To provide value to those around me and to just live a meager and simple life where I can just enjoy some basic human happiness and not bother anyone. Yet this eludes me to the point where I don't have any idea what to do to achieve this goal.
Come to think of it I don't know anybody, at least on a personal level, who lives like this. Maybe it's all a lie? Maybe this is not the basic standard of living we've all been told to expect.
I contemplate my escape daily.
It would have no meaningful effect on anybody. Sure people would "care", but it's only because of how they view me. Not how I actually am. Or at the very least, not how I think about myself.
Each day that passes I lose a piece of myself that I will never get back.
How do you do it?
How can you tell someone who loves you deeply that for whatever reason you can't think clearly or enjoy life when they are around?
Clearly and obviously it's not that persons fault but surely eventually something has to give. Either I have to be brave enough to tell the truth and spend some time by myself, or I will suffer a much more permanent circumstance at my own hand. Why am I so willing to keep everyone elses happiness (or at least peace) and give all of my own in the process?
None of this is to say that I am not truly grateful for the life and oppotunities that I have. I am. Truly. Me from 10 years ago would look at what I have now and be in absolute confusion as to why there is anything wrong at all. I guess I am priviliged to feel this way. To have grown to a point where I have to clarity to know what I truly want and will make me happy and to no longer be distracted by vanity metrics.
I need to think on how I can improve, not solve, my situation, and pull myself from the mire one hand in front of the other.
I don't like how life is right now. Something needs to change and it is my burden to attempt to find out what change is needed.